Love is Messy and I am a real Mess

by Lucy Connor

I have spent the last eight years of my life in the calm, quiet land of single again. In this world, I manage my time how I choose. I wear what I want, eat what I want, watch the programs I want and choose everything that makes ME happy. I have to say, after twenty five years of marriage and four children running around, the peace and quiet of single again has been lovely.
This is not to say that I have not thought about finding a forever partner in life…I have. I have dated, and have even had a few “serious relationships” in these years, but somehow, my practical side has always prevailed. I have created lists of reasons why the man in question and I do not need to continue. When I sat down and really thought about it, I decided that the only reason to get re-married was so that I would not be buried alone…there might be something wrong with this train of thought…. I digress.
Last summer was a real turning point in my thoughts about independence vs. forever partnering. I was blessed to spend a month in Boston with some friends of mine that are truly the happiest couple I know. I spent time talking and laughing with them together and separately, and slowly started believing that being in love again could be a great thing. Interestingly, at the very same time I had a major break-up with the one man that I sort of believed was my forever.
The two of us had an interesting journey to this point. We met, we were very attracted and thoroughly enjoyed being together, but he was not ready to date someone seriously. We got back together six months later and dated a bit more seriously this time. For some reason, things fizzled and neither of us were ready to commit to the relationship. He had been in and out of my life a few more times since then and then this summer, the final shoe dropped. We were not ever going to speak again…just about the same time I decided being in love might not be so bad.
I started the school year, with even more resolve that the clean, tidy life of single again was the life for me. I took on more students, worked longer hours and seriously started to consider cremation which would solve the problem of being buried alone…Then one day, he was back. We wrote, we talked a few times and wrote some more and then came the day I knew would never happen…He told me he loved me. This time, for some reason, things were completely right. This time, I believed it. This time, we were different… this time our love was real.
All of a sudden….my life is a mess. The big blocks of time that used to be mine are now shared with him. He sits in my recliner when he is here and when he is not, I sit there to be somehow closer to him. We talk and laugh and plot and plan about a future that sounds lovely but is terrifying to someone who thought her life was wrapped up in a neat tidy package, each day like the one before. This is a future that involves sharing, compromise, unknowns and possible heart-breaks. We have both come into this relationship (this time) with full disclosure, complete honesty and a promise to keep it that way. We have decided that love is worth being scared for and we are both committed to belonging to each other. But these decisions are not without consequence. For me, the consequence is the absolute mess of love. No two days are the same. Gone is my predictable, sane, quiet, tidy life. My life has become a whirlwind, with him at the center. This mess feels dangerous and scary while somehow comforting and calm at the same time.

As I look back over my life, every love I have had has been messy. My relationships with my parents, friends, siblings, ex-husband, children and grandchildren have all been but I would not trade one. I am struggling to accept the fact that my life will no longer be my own, that my life will no longer be calm and quiet and alone. But in the back of my mind, I am bursting with joy that I have found my forever and no matter how messy our love gets, he is in for the long haul. The pay-off is certainly more than I ever imagined and I am so thankful that love has turned my life upside down…I now know I am alive…because I am a real mess!

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