What I learned about love from my gay, married “boyfriends”

by Lucy Connor

A couple weeks ago I was standing in the world trade center subway station with one of my boyfriends. He stopped and got really quiet before he told me, “The last time I was here was the morning of 911….this was my stop.” For a second, the world stood still and everything in my body ached for him because this was a moment of raw, bleeding pain….and he loved me enough to share it with me.

A week before, the two of us had been sitting on a bench at the far end of the field behind their Vermont farm-house. We sat with the dogs, watching the sun set and talking about life and love. Daniel told me his story that night. Throughout the weekend, pieces of their love story had been unravelling as they spun the tale. We laughed as they gave me the details of how they met and how long it took them to move from friends to boyfriends. I watched their eyes when they talked about romantic dates they had been on. On the bench I heard Daniel’s story of how he, an opera singer who sang in major opera houses all over, gave up his career as a singer to be with the man he loved. We talked about the terror he experienced the morning the towers came down and how after that day, what mattered most was love…his love. I watched him wrestle with the fact that inside and outside he is and was a singer. He had a career that he loved, a home in New York that he loved…a life that he loved and he made the choice to step off the stage and into a sleeping bag in a farmhouse in Vermont that was under demolition and re-construction. He made the choice because he knew that if he continued to travel and live under the regimen of a singer who was performing constantly, he would love the love of his life. He made the choice freely and has never looked back.

Brian and Daniel have the kind of love that I have looked for my entire life. When I am with them, the love they have for each other covers me and I am somehow included in their safe, warm family circle. When they speak to each other, even after 25 years, it is with admiration and respect. They are polite and they use good manners. They spend time talking together, walking together and dreaming together. Brian is serious but extremely witty; Daniel is a cut-up, pretending to be a sour puss but really just a pussy cat. When you are with the two of them, the one thing that is obvious is the total and complete adoration each has for the other.

To watch their dynamics is a lesson in servant love. If Daniel mentions anything he might be curious about or interested in, Brian is on it. He is looking up facts, figuring out details and how to purchase if the object in question is something that Daniel would like. Daniel is the chef, creating and serving meals fit for a king, and savoring the fact that Brian will enjoy the meal. Daniel tends to the flowers that Brian so loves and takes care of the family dogs. Brian has a heart of gold and makes sure that Daniel is always his priority and first in his life. He spends time every day bragging about his amazing husband and makes sure that everyone knows how awesome Daniel is. They know each other completely, flaws and strengths and love each other anyway. They are truthful and compassionate and have a bond like nothing I have ever experienced between two people.

Before the month I spent with my boyfriends, I had become completely jaded about love. I was married for 27 years and divorced. I now spend my kids birthdays and holidays looking at my ex with his new wife on his arm. I have dated and have had a series of failures and near misses in the 6 years I have been single again.  Even though I always thought I had what it takes to be a good partner, I doubted that fact until last month. My boyfriends gave me hope and more than that, gave me a desire to love again.

Daniel and I walked hand in hand down the streets of New York, laughing and cutting up as was usual for us. We passed a flower stand and he talked about how he used to buy flowers for Brian all the time when they lived in New York. Two weeks later as I was about to leave, I was sitting in their living room in the North Shore and noticed some beautiful tulips. I asked if Daniel had grown them and he kind of laughed at me because the end of July is NOT tulip season. He told me that he just keeps flowers in the house because Brian loves them and it helps his mood when he is stressed out. They both laughed and I just shook my head in wonder that after all the years, they still put each other first.

We can speculate and postulate, we can dream of the perfect partner and we can write poems and songs about love. We can read and research and argue and cry as we struggle with what love really means…in relationship terms. The following is what my boyfriend’s marriage taught me. When it all boils down to it, love is putting your partner’s needs before yours at all times. It is seeing the person you adore, even with flaws and imperfections and knowing that there is no one else you could ever desire so much. It is living the golden rule all day every day and treating your partner as you would like to be treated. It is honesty, it is waiting for the right time to have the tough discussion, it is looking across the table at someone after half a life time together and knowing, there is nowhere you would rather be. True love inspires everyone who is a witness to it and heals the wounds of the outside world. True love takes the terror of a day like 911 and makes sure that the lessons learned in those moments will not be in vain. True love wins.