Single Again

Closet Space by Lucy Connor It is almost midnight, soon to be March 31, 2014. I closed on my new home three years ago on this date! I have lovingly decorated every square inch of my castle to reflect my rather quirky personality. My living room walls show off pictures of cockatoos in mirrored frames from the 1940's, my dining room features completely mis-matched chairs and mid-century  modern bookcases turned into hutches....along with a few Craigslist finds. Everything about this home screams that it is Mine, Mine, Mine! Since my divorce, I have dated a bit. Every gentleman that makes it to my house gets a castle tour. Following the old adage,  " Leave the best for last", the running commentary at tour's end goes something like this.  " This is the reason I bought this house...but wait, before you see the room...look at this closet. It is a double walk-in ...and it is full! No room for anyone else here." After that not so subtle proclamation of my una...

And So it Goes by Lucy Connor Last night I cried. I know this does not seem like a big deal....but I almost NEVER cry. Oh, well I cry at sappy movies and when I am reading something particularly beautiful or emotional..and I used to cry when my son told me he hated me and was moving to California (which was the farthest away place he could imagine), and was never coming home. But when real-life pain hits...I simply don't cry. I managed to make it through a divorce after 27 years of marriage and did not cry. Last night, however, I cried. I am kind of a Billy Joel nut, to put it mildly. He wrote a song in 1983, the year my first child was born, called "And So it Goes". It is a song about recovering from old loves and the pain and risk involved in learning to love again. The following words from the song, hit me in the guts every time I hear it and last night was no exception. In every heart there is a room A sanctuary safe and strong To heal the wounds from lovers...

Independence Day by Lucy Connor This week has been a tough one ever since my divorce. For 25 years, we took our family vacation on the week of July 4 th . It made sense; he worked for the State so he only had to take four vacation days and got a full week…pretty good deal. Every year, we packed up the kids and headed to Tybee Island. We got a condo that slept six and filled it up. For a week, it was heaven on earth. We hunted shark teeth, the boys fished, the girls shopped. We ate ice cream and swam and played on the beach. For that one week every year, we were the happiest family on the planet. My husband even did silly things like get henna tattoos with my name on them. It was one week a year that our marriage actually seemed perfect. Since those days, he still goes and often takes some of the kids with him. The first couple of years that was hard, but now it is just weird. He is married so now I have to think about him and the kids and grandkids, making memories in “our spo...

Single Again: What Women Want, Part 2 “Cherish is the Word” By: Lucy Connor It has been a while since I wrote the first installment of What Women Want, and every day since I published that article I thought about what the next one should be. Today, out of the clear blue, it came to me. Remember this part of your wedding vows?   “ I promise to love you without reservation, comfort you in times of distress, encourage you to achieve (higher/all of your) goals, laugh with you and cry with you, grow with you in mind and spirit, always be open and honest with you, and cherish you for as long as we both shall live.” (Traditional Wedding Service) We want to be recognized, encouraged, comforted and…… cherished. Cherished. Webster’s defines cherish as “to protect and care for someone lovingly”. Basically, if someone cherishes you, he has your back. You are not an object put on earth to wait on him, clean up after him, tend to his needs, or put up with his disrespect. You are h...

Single Again: What Women Want - Integrity by Lucy Connor There are those who would say “Women have no idea what they want!” Maybe that is true, but I say most of us at least have a pretty good idea of what we desire when we are looking for a forever partner. The list of “wants” certainly varies woman to woman. There are some relatively universal truths, but even those vary according to the background, age, present situation and baggage being drug along. I am going to take a really big leap and try my hand at one of the Universal Truths when it comes to a quality women would like to have in a partner.  Women want a man who is honest about who he is… someone with a sense of personal integrity.  Many of the women that are back out on the dating front have been through painful marriages and even more painful divorces. These ladies have been through hurt upon hurt, and the last thing they want to encounter at this point, is a man who gives a false impression of who he is a...

Single Again: Going Out Alone by Lucy Connor I am a tough cookie. I can handle anything. I raised four children to adulthood and they are all happy, well-adjusted college graduates.  I managed to stay in a not so great marriage for 27 years, get out of it, change towns, get my Masters Degree at 53 and start my life completely over again on my own. I have figured out how to work 12 hours a day, come home and take care of all of the business of home ownership, cook, have relationships, craft, work a second job, write….basically…I can do everything that modern day society expects of me. I can do everything that I really want to do…with one huge exception. I cannot just “go out” alone. Now, I can shop, visit a friend, take care of my grandkids, go to work, to a movie or even sit in church alone. I just can’t go out where I will be identified as a “single”, alone. This includes going out to a sit down restaurant, going to a club or a social event.  Frankly, this makes abso...

Single Again – Community and Courage by Lucy Connor “My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.” – Maya Angelou This week, we the citizens of the world lost perhaps the wisest woman of our time. Here was a woman who celebrated life, love, people, relationships, wisdom, and courage and taught us all, through her beautiful words, to be better people.                                                                                       As I was preparing to writ...

Loneliness…The Sound of Silence by: Lucy Connor Another Friday night, alone. This is I scenario that I usually look forward to, maybe even relish. Tonight, however, it is somehow different. Since I have become a single woman, it is rare that I feel any pangs of loneliness. I work hard, all day every day. I love strong when it comes to my children and my grandchildren. I have a few friends I enjoy talking to or going out with occasionally and I have hobbies and passions to explore when I have a few moments. Loneliness seldom rears her ugly head in my life. This has been one of the most difficult months at work I have experienced in many years. Let me frame this by saying, it is completely my fault. In my wonder woman alter ego, I bit off way more than I could chew and am now paying the consequences for my choices. As a middle school music teacher, spring time is concert and musical time and is generally hectic. This year, I put a huge concert in the middle of “heck week” for ...

Wasting Time in the over 40’s Dating Game by Lucy Connor “The trouble is, you think you have Time.” Buddah In these days of “50 is the new 30”, we are all lured into the disillusion that we have plenty of time. Even though I have four grown children and three grandchildren, I believe that I have an entire lifetime ahead of me. I am a middle-aged woman in denial. I was married for most of my life. Much of that life was miserable, much was beautiful. I have seen both sides of love. Before we divorced, I promised myself that if I ever got out of that marriage, I would never…no… NEVER, marry again. After I was out of the house and established in a new town, the dating commenced. I knew I did not want marriage, but I wanted validation. I wanted to feel like I was worthy of love, and somehow believed that if a man wanted to be with me, it would prove that worth. Looking back on those days, I see a grown woman behaving like a teen-ager, casting caution to the wind and searching...

The Death of a Dream – Single ….Again by Lucy Connor I have been single for nearly 6 years. When people ask about being married for 27 years and then divorcing, I try to explain it as the death of a dream. We are both better off living apart from each other, he is re-married and I am happily single. I do not miss my marriage, I do not miss him...I miss the dream. We had a dream that we would be together forever. We would grow old and sit on the porch. Eventually we would die and be buried side by side and then be together for eternity. This is the death that hurt worse than the death of the marriage. The death of the dream. I have spent six years getting myself together. I went back to school and got a Master’s degree. I found and bought a beautiful home…all by myself. I have moved to a new town, secured a great job and have gotten closer to my children and grandchildren. Before I divorced, I was so caught up in the negative feelings of rejection; I spent time running from h...

Where did Integrity Go? The Myth of Internet Dating by Lucy Connor   You are a good person. You are a person who values the truth. You mean what you say and you back it up with your actions. You are more than talk…more than words. You LIVE what you believe. Many would say you have integrity. Goodness is about character - integrity, honesty, kindness, generosity, moral courage, and the like. More than anything else, it is about how we treat other people. (Dennis Prager) I have historically been a people pleaser. I am not one to rock the boat, to cause confrontation or partake in verbal volleys. In a phrase, I have a hard time saying no. This particular weakness has been the reason I have not always had the integrity that I now strive for. I have made empty promises to friends, students, my children and others in my life who asked for things that I wanted to give, but was not able to. I was afraid that if I was honest, if I said “I just cannot do that”, I would be rejected. ...

Broken Down and Built Back Better than Before By Lucy Connor Call me a cock-eyed optimist, but I do not see life and learning as a series of hardships strung together with a little joy in-between. On the contrary, I see life as shining and screaming with joy, with moments of heartbreak stuck in…to keep us appreciative of the innate goodness of life. To be clear about this, I am not an ooey-gooey, fake laugh, smile till you make everyone else’s face hurt kind of girl. I actually probably scowl more than smile and spend far too much time complaining about things I have no control over. Most would probably not call me optimistic even. The truth is, however, that I am happy…truly happy. When barriers appear in my life, I grumble a lot, and then I set about finding a way to make them disappear. I rarely spend a ton of time lamenting a lost love and truthfully have only had a few experiences in my life that would qualify as awful. The years leading to my divorce were, admitted...

Acceptance, Validation…Basic Human Needs by Lucy Connor I love listening to Oprah on Sirius Radio when I drive. There is a package that runs frequently between segments and it features a quote from her Oprah Show Finale. “Do you see me? Do you hear me? Does what I say mean anything to you?” Oprah maintains that her realization that everyone has this desire in common helped her keep an open mind and be less judgmental as a talk show host for those many years. Historically, I have been a people pleaser. I have worked hard to get validation from the people I loved and especially from those that I wanted to love me back. I will say that there are times that I have lost sight of my true self in the quest to get people to validate me. I have made poor decisions, been less than courageous and have forsaken my integrity in the unrelenting search for acceptance. I have wondered if I am good enough for anyone to take as a partner forever, or if I would just drive someone crazy. I st...

What Love Does by Lucy Connor Love Laughs, it Longs, it Lusts, it Lives. It Labors and it Lingers. It is Omniscient and Open, Outstanding and Over-joyed. It is Virile, Voracious, Vital and Vigorous. It is Eternal, Everlasting, Enjoyable, Even-tempered, Enticing, Engaging and Euphoric. L usty O pen V irile E nticing Love creates desire. L aughs O ver-joyed V ital E uphoric Love makes us happy. L abors O mniscient V oracious E nticing Love, the all-knowing, greedy, inviting entity can also be difficult to bear. L ives O utstanding V igorous E verlasting It makes us want to live and love…forever. In a world that is full of bad-news, drugs, depression and fear, love can still make everything wonderful. It can calm a baby’s frustrations; help to heal a child’s wounds, make a man and a woman vow to love each other till death and ease the loneliness of a senior that has lost her forever. Love is the maker of magic, the write...

What is Love?  by Lucy Connor The dictionary definitions we are given of love are rather weak. They are all something like this one “an intense feeling of deep affection”. If you have ever given birth to a child, brought the child home and cared for him 24 hours a day for a few weeks, I would think that you know a description of your feelings that involve the words “deep affection”, just don’t cut it. You would, even after only three weeks, gladly die for that child. This is an emotion that is more powerful than any words we have to describe it. It is said that having a child is like wearing your heart on the outside of your body…and that is true. We all have different views of what unconditional love is. I think that everyone who believes in God can agree that God has unconditional love for us. How though, does that translate into human form? Unconditional love may well be God in us…but how do we express that love as one human to another? The author of The Love Dare, sa...

Superwoman…Super Emotional by Lucy Connor I love PBS..well I loved it when I had cable and could watch whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. Now I don’t have anything but streaming stations, and one Network station. PBS sometimes makes an appearance, but without the recorder….I actually have to watch the program in real time which just is not happening. I digress. Back in the good old days of cable, I watched the most interesting program on the brain. Specifically, this program set out to explain the differences in the brain of a man and a woman. The man’s name is Mark Gungor and his rather hilarious program is called” A Tale of Two Brains”. Look him up on You Tube….it is worth the watch! Mr. Grungor explains the two brains something like this. Men’s brains are made of little boxes. Each little box is for one thing…for example there is a box for the car, one for the money, one for the wife etc. The boxes never touch. When a man wants to talk about something, he goes and g...