The Death of a Dream – Single ….Again

by Lucy Connor

I have been single for nearly 6 years. When people ask about being married for 27 years and then divorcing, I try to explain it as the death of a dream. We are both better off living apart from each other, he is re-married and I am happily single. I do not miss my marriage, I do not miss him...I miss the dream. We had a dream that we would be together forever. We would grow old and sit on the porch. Eventually we would die and be buried side by side and then be together for eternity. This is the death that hurt worse than the death of the marriage. The death of the dream.

I have spent six years getting myself together. I went back to school and got a Master’s degree. I found and bought a beautiful home…all by myself. I have moved to a new town, secured a great job and have gotten closer to my children and grandchildren. Before I divorced, I was so caught up in the negative feelings of rejection; I spent time running from him, but did not discover anything about myself. At the end of my marriage, I did not know who I was anymore. I am thankful for the gift of being single and having time to get to know the person I had become.

In these years, I have dated a bit. I have been in three relationships that I consider fairly significant, all lasting five or six months. I knew, however, that these were not men I could make a life with and moved on, remaining friends with each. Since last summer, I have had several “first dates” that went no further. After about my fifth one of these, my confidence started to wane and I began wondering what was wrong with me. In retrospect, I should have been asking what was wrong with them that they did not want to see if there could have been something more, but I digress.

The first in this series on one date wonders was someone I was super excited to meet. We had “met” online and had talked and exchanged enough emails that I was fairly certain that he and I would be a great match. We had a fantastic lunch date and he promised he would see me again soon. We talked several times and then he just started to stop communicating. It was obvious that for whatever reason, he actually did not want to see me again. I was disappointed but moved on. In the coming months, there were other dates but he just would not move out of my head and I knew that if we ever saw each other again, this was a relationship that had potential.

We are facebook friends and started chatting a few months ago…just friendly conversation. One day he asked if he could call me and at the end of our second substantial conversation of the day, he told me he had to see me. We met the next day and had a great date. This time things appeared to be different. I knew he was guarded from a previous heart-break, but I believed him when he said I was someone he could eventually fall in love with. In my heart, I knew he was different from all the rest. I had finally met a man that I could give myself to, freely and willingly. More important, for the first time since my single days, I wanted to be with him more than I wanted alone time.

It has been a rough three months for me emotionally. I have been ready and waiting to give him my heart, but his heart is not ready for me yet. Maybe, he is just not into me. I am not sure what the reason, but, his feelings for me are different than my feelings for him.

Yesterday, I decided that I was becoming the kind of woman I did not want to be. I was becoming bitter and had settled into another “dream” in my head. Truthfully, I had a dream of forever. He was the one I wanted to give the second half of my life to, but that feeling was not reciprocal. I made the decision to back away.

I have finally learned the lesson that I have value. If I sit around waiting for someone to call or show up that simply does not have the feelings for me that I have for him, I am devaluing myself. I am questioning my ability to be a partner, I am saying it is ok for someone else to have no regard for my feelings or my time and I am putting myself second because I am allowing him to put me second.

This dream was a very hard one to watch take its last breath. Maybe because it is the first time I truly believed there could be another forever for me and I loved the feeling of falling in love. Maybe because in the dark areas of my head, there is a little voice telling me I am not good enough to have someone want me for forever. Maybe it is just because I will miss him. I am not sure why, but the thoughts of letting him go, even when I know he does not love me, are very hard.

I guess the thing about dreams, is that they are just that…dreams. I still look forward to one day, finding my reality. Today is the day to set my sights on finding my reality,  dream-come-true.





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