Where did Integrity Go? The Myth of Internet Dating

by Lucy Connor
 
You are a good person. You are a person who values the truth. You mean what you say and you back it up with your actions. You are more than talk…more than words. You LIVE what you believe. Many would say you have integrity.

Goodness is about character - integrity, honesty, kindness, generosity, moral courage, and the like. More than anything else, it is about how we treat other people. (Dennis Prager)
I have historically been a people pleaser. I am not one to rock the boat, to cause confrontation or partake in verbal volleys. In a phrase, I have a hard time saying no. This particular weakness has been the reason I have not always had the integrity that I now strive for. I have made empty promises to friends, students, my children and others in my life who asked for things that I wanted to give, but was not able to. I was afraid that if I was honest, if I said “I just cannot do that”, I would be rejected. Therefore, I have gone through much of my life with great intentions of doing everything I have promised, but not always following through.

As I have grown older and grown up, I understand more and more what integrity means in relationships. Doing what you say you will do and being who you say you are, can be the foundation for all types of relationships. Conversely, making empty claims and promises can kill relationships before they begin.

It seems to me, the online dating phenomenon is bursting with people lacking integrity. Do I think all of these people are bad? Certainly not! Do I think all of these people are good? That is another matter. Goodness involves character and integrity. When you post photos that you know make you look deceptively awesome or young, when you tell a little white lie about your employment status, when you say you want to be married when you are really looking for a hook-up, you are making the statement that you are not as “good” as you possibly strive to be. Goodness is in how you treat others, lying to them is not a great beginning.

In the old days, a deal was sealed with a good word from a friend and a handshake. People looked each other in the eyes and had “real” friendships. If a friend said he was coming over to eat with you, he came. To do otherwise would show a lack of character, integrity and trustworthiness. In today’s world, people’s words are worth as much as the paper they are written on…and since no one writes on paper anymore…

I had gone on a couple dates with a guy that appeared to be “promising”. He was divorced and his ex-wife had since passed away. He was truly single with little baggage. He loved to travel and was a former teacher. I checked with a mutual friend and she said…be careful, he is a bit of a player. I (knowing everything…) did not heed her words. To me, he was great. For our third or fourth date, we made plans to have dinner at my house. He is retired and I am still working, so in order to cook a decent meal for him, I made it the day before. I whipped up two different vegan dishes that could be easily refrigerated overnight and heated up when I got home from work. I spent a good bit of time and money on this adventure, so imagine my surprise when I got a TEXT and hour before he was to be at my house. He just said he had to cancel. There was no explanation, no follow up call…nada. About a week later when I still had not been given an apology or explanation, I returned the favor and texted him back saying that apparently he had less character than I had thought and I was no longer interested in seeing him. I am quite sure this was just fine on his part.

It was a lesson learned before too much time was spent on this particular relationship. It did tell me once again, to be a little less trusting but also to be a little more trustworthy as I proceed in this process. Getting my head out of the fantasy land of the computer and into real life helps me to be a person with greater character and integrity. If I have to look someone in the eyes, I am more likely to be truthful and honest with him.

On this strange roller-coaster called Single Again, every day is a new learning experience. I am trying to live, not just pretend to live. I am trying to be a woman of character and expect the men I date to be men of integrity as well. It may just be a pipe-dream, but I believe they are still out there…and one is my forever.










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