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Single Again: Chemistry or just another failed science experiment?
by: Lucy Connor
Love in the single again world is full of pit-falls and traps. It is also full of an interesting new kind of science....physical chemistry. This is not the 0 and Zn kind... Rather it is that "thing" between you and a potential partner.
As a young woman, “chemistry” was a purely sexual thing. As an older woman, it still is sexual but has something else mixed in. It is part friendship, part ease of being together and part sense of humor mixed with the physical attraction.
Like a teenager, an older adult can certainly get swept away in the moment of a passionate kiss and for a little while, believe she has finally found the one she has been searching for. Hormones are strange things. A woman’s body releases a hormone called oxytocin or the “cuddle” hormone during sex. This hormone helps her trust her partner and form a bond to that person, casual fling or future love alike…the hormone does not differentiate or discriminate.
Here-in is the problem. You meet a man and for a moment are swept off your feet due to his charm, wit, personality and above average looks. He might be balding and pot-bellied…but his smile makes up for any physical quality less than perfect. You spend the evening over a few glasses of wine, listening to all of the stories of his former glory…before the housing crash and his subsequent loss of job. Before the divorce and the gifting of all his worldly possessions to his ex. Before child support took his last dime. Before he was middle aged and rather paunchy and well…basically disillusioned by life. Somewhere in your mind the red flags are waving when he describes the obvious baggage he is carrying around due to his rather tragic childhood and his awful marriage. In your head you can see this is not going anywhere positive…but he is oh, so charming.
To seal your fate, this rather quiet evening comes to a close in the parking lot when he leans in to kiss you. In that moment, all of the bells and whistles begin to go off. You have connected to this man…the way the two of you kiss should be illegal it is just that spectacular. In a flash, the confessions of a broke, broken, struggling man are swept from your head and replaced with thoughts of the new Prince Charming that just fought his way to your castle to save you from your own set of demons. “There was laughter and conversation. There were confessions and shared dreams…and then…there was this KISS! "Chemistry”.
Things heat up quickly. You are no longer a couple of dating grandparents, now you are two teenagers on a wild ride. You stay connected through sweet texts at any hour of the day and night. You talk endless hours about the same things, you see each other whenever possible and you try to quiet down that voice screaming from your gut…”This is not Chemistry…the big bang you felt was just another failed science experiment! In your heart, you know. You did not take note of the waving red flags before the damage was already done. You know you have no business together; it is just that it felt so right for a short time. You allowed yourself to bond to this man BEFORE you really knew him and now you stand in this science lab, shaking your head and wondering what happened? Why is it so easy to talk yourself into something so wrong for you and the life you desire? Why take a relationship to heights it does not deserve to achieve? Why lie to yourself that everything is so right…when it is really all so wrong? As older adults, we teach our girls to be careful. We talk to them about sex outside of a truly committed relationship, we preach and we preach. Somehow, when the shoe is on the other foot, all of those lessons are forgotten fairy tales, meant for someone else. We can handle it, we are better judges of character, we have lived life and know what we need…all excuses for behaving badly and making judgements that could turn our lives upside down, too quickly. In the world of Single Again, we need to treat every new relationship as a sort of Science experiment. We need to research, keep notes, use the proper protective gear, proceed with caution and learn to tell the difference between true Chemistry... and just another failed science experiment.
Sent from my iPhone
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